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And a little child will lead them all. [Dec. 8th, 2004|09:49 pm]
[mood |baffled]

My little brother: Who are the Jews?
Me: Well, let me explain it to you. Before Jesus--
My little brother: Before Jesus!??
Me: Yes, before Jesus--
My little brother: There's no before Jesus!
Me: Yes, in the beginning--"In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God. He was in the beginning with God." You're right! There's no before Jesus!
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(no subject) [Dec. 7th, 2004|01:04 pm]
[mood |scaredscared]
[music |"Where Fishes Go" --Live]

I don't know what it is about my parents' house. I always wake up congested, then it goes away. I just take a hot shower, cough out all that crap, then go on my way. no problem.

So my birthday was a couple of days ago. Conveniently, my mom's health insurance stopped covering me on the same day. Why is it that my lungs choose now to begin coughing up blood?

O.K. No more smoking. I can't remember when my last cigarette was. over a week ago. More haunting is the fact that my patient last week was doing the same thing. He only had pneumonia, but, of course, I'm afraid of TB.

I don't get it. I'm borderline obsessive-compulsive when it comes to infection control. Ruling out the doctor's appointment, I'm going to go pick up some guiafenesin capsules and some liquid codeine.
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It's 11:00. Do you know where your feelings are? [Dec. 5th, 2004|11:15 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]

In a few minutes I will be exactly twenty-three. Why am I so lonely?

I have been practicing Compression. I should just go to bed. It is the coffee that keeps me up.

I dream of bars and the night and leisure time and vacation. and vacation. and people and friendships. I want a platonic girlfriend, but I do not know how to initiate it. It's hard enough to ask for real.

Can you tell I've been drinking? How many are my blessings! My parents gave me brandy, among other things.

I wrote on the back of my pediatric notes something about my journal. I think I'll include it in my bio later, or write over it. Today was a time of release and new beginnings. I told Ryan Helm that I am happy where I am right now. I dream of a new friendship with an old acquaintance. It is, oh, so difficult for a single guy to be friends with a married man slash father. back to the platonic girlfriend. Yeah, I'm greedy and self-centered. Everything I do is selfish. What's the philosophical adjective that precedes Hedonism?

Abraham Lincoln was talking with a man about (blah) Hedonism, the belief that what makes an action right is that it satisfies the desires of the individual. During the course of the conversation, Lincoln asked the coachman to stop so that he could rescue a litter (?) of piglets from drowning in a mud puddle. When he got back to the coach, the man asked, "How can you say you're a (something) Hedonist? There was nothing selfish about what you just did!"

Abraham Lincoln replied, "Sure it was. I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight if I hadn't done that."

After typing all that out, I am now older than twenty-three years, and the clock is ticking. Twenty-three sounds like such a high number, but I still feel young.

"Young and Proud," and my taste in music has oh, so changed throughout the years. I threw out some clothes that I wore when I was sixteen and laughed that it seemed like so long ago.

"Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same."

Yeah. And I was merely a freshman. For the life of me, I cannot believe I'd ever die for these sins.

Somebody, talk to me. Who am I? "I just think there should be more to life than being really really really really ridiculously good looking. (Blue Steel)"

Blue Steel slaughtered me in Halo 2 this morning. I wish I were more patient.

So I've got D-Rok at Arsaga's, Ryan Helm somewhere in town, Dustin with a fractured hip at home (his home) with a wife and two kids, Dane with a schedule rivaling mine in busy-ness, self-labelled crazy Tugg somewhere out there (in third space, maybe, wherever that is), and Wes in Gravette if I ever feel like being preached to of all the wonders that is Wicca. A Samurai would tell me, "Too many minds." A doctor told me in jest, "All I'm saying is that you can decide to be a star or not be a star." It's all about priorities, I suppose.

I got mad at Jesus. It did me not much good. My expectations are childish, confused, and skewed.

I am rambling now, or rather, I have been rambling throughout this entire thing. I write to clear my head. It does me not much good.

Somebody talk to me. The night and the quiet are empty and lonesome, and I feel the disappointing Siren's call of White-Wolf online, for lack of a better alternative.
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2004|09:59 am]
[mood |procrastinatory]

had another psychic episode yesterday.

I woke up thinking the Cheshire Cat is almost like the White Rabbit. Well, they're from the same story, at least. I think. Maybe that's why it's a Cheshire Cat and not something else entirely.

I am happy to have made new friends. Now back to business. The exam is on Friday, I am late for class, and it is all the fault of the printer and the other students in the lab.
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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2004|09:49 pm]
[mood |inebriated]

Well, catch me smoking and color me a hypocrite! I had a wonderfully spiritual day! I feel that I must madly record my thoughts before the grapes leave my brain. Here is my best intoxicated effort.

I thought about Kyleigh all day. Kimberly the CNA looked, talked, moved, and acted almost exactly like her. I always thought Kyleigh was the eldest daughter, but I had heard rumor of a brother I never met. I wondered if she had an older sister. I never asked because I was afraid Kimberly would say no. Truly, it wasn't so frightening. Finally I realized that, if Kyleigh and I were ever meant to be, we will be. Finally I demanded of myself not to ask, not to try anymore. No, I didn't give up. It's called faith. Look it up.

When I left the building I was visited by good, warm memories of Kendra. I know that I am over her when I can think of her and smile.

I truly enjoyed caring for my irritable paraplegic last week. I did so love being his Little Prince. Mom compared me to the Japanese anime Unico. Today I remained too long at my assigned facility out of duty, for I am Elisha. I left earlier than planned (still late) out of respect for the souls who place stock in decadent structure.

During my stay I heard a song about heaven that caught me in a trance. I loved the anasthesiologist and his broadcasted triple six. I had a flash of psychic premonition (Punky Brewster), and I was conscious!

Then I saw D-Rok (hope I spelled that right) at Arsaga's. The encounter was somehow therapeutic for my soul. Oh, the wonderfully frightening phase of building new friendships, the wonderful adventure beyond a comfort zone!

Arsaga's porch made me think of Andrea, and I smiled. I felt warm inside.

I came home and shared quality time--and a bottle of red wine--with my parents. Amidst deep discussion, I commented that the wine was from Tasha and Logan. We silently grieved. You know, you can talk to me. Never do I know the right thing to say, but Jacki says I am a good listener.

I did not study at all today, for I found something spiritually superior. The Fates shall not punish me Friday. I shall perform my duty, put in the hours, suck it up and do the work. Education is a means to an end, a road to a passion. I must only keep my priorities in the right order.

I dream of family.

What is left to say but that I love Jesus? (Tonight I consumed fish and wine.) And I don't care what anyone thinks! I shall proclaim my love for Him on the mountains, lest they do it for me! I don't care if you think I'm stupid. I don't anymore claim to be anything other.

What did Rob call me? A Linkin Park loving, pretend smoker, relationship breaking, girlfriend stealing goth nurse? Hypocrite is an understatement. Yes, I drink, I smoke, I fornicate, I swear, I curse, I slander, I harm (First, do no harm.), I sin, I steal, and I vandalize. Legally, I am a pedophile. I announce it publicly, for heightened security would be nothing short of hypocrisy. (And when I'm sober, Michelle will probably call me ballsy but foolish.)

Do not pass judgment on my love before you know my darkness.

That is all that I ask.

And that you forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. Honestly, I do not forgive as deeply or as frequently as I should. Who am I to ask more of you,


the reader, whoever you may be?

You know, I love you, you, whoever you may be.

People say they like me more when I'm drunk. Three glasses isn't drunk, is it? I tell you the truth, I cannot remember the count. (Lightweight)

I am beyond capable of concluding. Fin.
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(no subject) [Nov. 9th, 2004|11:05 am]
[mood |drowsy]

The night before last I dreamed of Mrs. Fox, middle class restaurants, my classmates, Nip Tuck, and apple martinis. The dream was inappropriately erotic, oddly comparing Mrs. Fox to Julia from the show. I guess I do have some things to hide. I have more to write, but I refuse.

Yesterday I realized that I am not that unusual, as Dr. Drew had implied. I remembered talking with Dustin and his dad, back when I was young, pure, innocent, and naive. I thought Dustin's dad was so fucking eccentric and that I would never come close to experiencing the things he talked about. If I had verbalized my thoughts at the time, he would have known I was wrong.

Young, pure, innocent, naive. I like to think I still have three of those qualities. No. Naive is not one I think I don't have.

Yesterday I began an IV on the first attempt (Yay!). I actually felt inhibited, disallowed to do anything without a nurse's supervision. It was always comforting before. I guess that means I'm actually learning something.

Mrs. Swisher told me about her son, probably close to my age, excited about working on some sort of Halo 2 promotional campaign. It was a funny story. made me dream about her sending me a birthday present, some weird gaming piece of hardware that was Macintosh compatible and that I, consequently, could not use. Odd that I took her story so much to heart that I dreamed about it.

My birthday is coming up, and I feel like I'm grinding my heels to try to get it to stay away. My driver's license and my license tags expire in the beginning of December, and I do not know when I will have time to sit in a room.

My nasal passages are showing signs of infection. Did I break aseptic technique? It could be the weather and my parents' chronically dry house. Michelle would recommend Echinacea. I have yet to try it. I think I shall stick with the apple a day, for now.

I panicked yesterday and froze, but I also cared better than the experts.
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moral self debate [Oct. 28th, 2004|05:21 pm]
[mood |caffeine toxic]
[music |"First We Take Manhattan"]

Guilt has led me here. I love my free music so much that I am going to delete most of it from my computer. I like this quote from London After Midnight's official web site, "Songwriter and founder Sean Brennan is known for his strong stances in favor of animal rights, pro-environmental and human rights issues, anti-corporate control of media, and progressive, liberal politics." It almost feels like donating to a charity to just buy an album.

I am having difficulty making decisions in the hazy and gray areas. If I pay money to rent a movie and download a song from the soundtrack, is that piracy? If a song is played on popular radio, and I could just as easily record it on a blank tape, but I choose to download it instead, is that stealing? My initial response to these questions is no, but it feels like potentially false justification.

Even more difficult, I owned by proxy many albums when I lived with Kendra, and now, having been torn apart, I do not have access to my beloved music anymore. Is it my responsibility, as an upright, tax-paying citizen of the United States of Capitalism to pay money to again possess what I used to own?

I am yet undecided in the more controversial songs. I shall take baby steps. Today, London After Midnight, tomorrow Leonard Cohen.

"First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin!"
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(no subject) [Oct. 27th, 2004|01:56 pm]
[mood |hyperhyper]
[music |"Ruby Through the Looking Glass" --Tori Amos]

I just broke bread with my parents! I am always grateful whenever people feed me. Vegetables make me feel strong.

I saw a surgeon whom I had watched last semester. I recognized him by his eyes. He gave me his blessing. Blessings are important. I think that that is all I needed to pass all my classes this semester.

The good news is that, as of this current point in time, I am indeed passing all three of my classes. All I have to do is keep it that way.

Caffeine, food among loved ones, and blessings from strangers provide a recipe for tears. Of course, my male inhibitions are too powerful. Damn testosterone. Doesn't every boy drink coffee to cry?

I yet dream of Hungary. Who cares if the world is dangerous?
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(no subject) [Oct. 25th, 2004|12:30 pm]
[mood |paranoid]
[music |"Ruby Through the Looking Glass"]

In a few minutes I am going to cut. I have considered it for a week or two. I am convinced that I am annoying everyone.
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(no subject) [Oct. 18th, 2004|11:57 am]
[mood |hungryhungry]
[music |Gramarye in my head]

I just thought this was noteworthy. I am sitting in the computer lab, in the midst of writing a research paper. I thought I saw Angela, so I looked up. Indeed, it was she. We made eye contact, and I could almost see her brain synapses firing to identify me. In a fraction of a second, she snapped her gaze toward the opposite direction and continued on her way. My polite smile slowly faded.

She still has my lab book.

Ahh, the withering intent!

I met her in my accounting class two years ago. I hated college courses. I hated being there--being here. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I hated that too. I thought Kendra loved me, and I just didn't care about anyone else.

I knew that that attitude was not healthy, and as the semester progressed, I slowly emerged from my shell. Angela happened to be sitting across from me, so I asked her if she knew where I could get a list of course requirements. She asked my major, and I briefly explained that I was considering nursing. She said, "I can tell you what you need for that! That's what I'm doing."

During the course of snowballing problems, brewing resentment, and detachment of compassion between Kendra and me, I found myself developing fantasies around Angela. She has beautiful blue eyes, and she was always a sad story to me. She had married a younger man, an immature kid close to my age, and she was enduring a divorce. Little did I know that my own "marital" problems were as severe as hers.

As it turned out, she was in my class the next year.

When I see Angela now, I realize that I am where I am because of her. If she hadn't spelled it out so clearly for me, I might have never learned of the college's nursing program. I have always been a dreamer, and I have considered following her to the university next year.

But her story has a happy ending. She is now reunited with her ex-husband and has a wedding planned. This is good. I always like happy endings. (But I know this isn't the end.)

In Love Without End Jesus compares intent in life to the care of flowers. He says intent begins as a seed. One does not have to focus constantly but must only water, feed, and cultivate it as needed over time. He also cautions that many intentions are weeds.

I look at this flower and realize that it cannot be saved.

Gramarye I've found.

I want my lab book back.
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