||[Nov. 15th, 2004|09:49 pm]
Well, catch me smoking and color me a hypocrite! I had a wonderfully spiritual day! I feel that I must madly record my thoughts before the grapes leave my brain. Here is my best intoxicated effort.
I thought about Kyleigh all day. Kimberly the CNA looked, talked, moved, and acted almost exactly like her. I always thought Kyleigh was the eldest daughter, but I had heard rumor of a brother I never met. I wondered if she had an older sister. I never asked because I was afraid Kimberly would say no. Truly, it wasn't so frightening. Finally I realized that, if Kyleigh and I were ever meant to be, we will be. Finally I demanded of myself not to ask, not to try anymore. No, I didn't give up. It's called faith. Look it up.
When I left the building I was visited by good, warm memories of Kendra. I know that I am over her when I can think of her and smile.
I truly enjoyed caring for my irritable paraplegic last week. I did so love being his Little Prince. Mom compared me to the Japanese anime Unico. Today I remained too long at my assigned facility out of duty, for I am Elisha. I left earlier than planned (still late) out of respect for the souls who place stock in decadent structure.
During my stay I heard a song about heaven that caught me in a trance. I loved the anasthesiologist and his broadcasted triple six. I had a flash of psychic premonition (Punky Brewster), and I was conscious!
Then I saw D-Rok (hope I spelled that right) at Arsaga's. The encounter was somehow therapeutic for my soul. Oh, the wonderfully frightening phase of building new friendships, the wonderful adventure beyond a comfort zone!
Arsaga's porch made me think of Andrea, and I smiled. I felt warm inside.
I came home and shared quality time--and a bottle of red wine--with my parents. Amidst deep discussion, I commented that the wine was from Tasha and Logan. We silently grieved. You know, you can talk to me. Never do I know the right thing to say, but Jacki says I am a good listener.
I did not study at all today, for I found something spiritually superior. The Fates shall not punish me Friday. I shall perform my duty, put in the hours, suck it up and do the work. Education is a means to an end, a road to a passion. I must only keep my priorities in the right order.
I dream of family.
What is left to say but that I love Jesus? (Tonight I consumed fish and wine.) And I don't care what anyone thinks! I shall proclaim my love for Him on the mountains, lest they do it for me! I don't care if you think I'm stupid. I don't anymore claim to be anything other.
What did Rob call me? A Linkin Park loving, pretend smoker, relationship breaking, girlfriend stealing goth nurse? Hypocrite is an understatement. Yes, I drink, I smoke, I fornicate, I swear, I curse, I slander, I harm (First, do no harm.), I sin, I steal, and I vandalize. Legally, I am a pedophile. I announce it publicly, for heightened security would be nothing short of hypocrisy. (And when I'm sober, Michelle will probably call me ballsy but foolish.)
Do not pass judgment on my love before you know my darkness.
That is all that I ask.
And that you forgive me my trespasses as I forgive those who trespass against me. Honestly, I do not forgive as deeply or as frequently as I should. Who am I to ask more of you,
the reader, whoever you may be?
You know, I love you, you, whoever you may be.
People say they like me more when I'm drunk. Three glasses isn't drunk, is it? I tell you the truth, I cannot remember the count. (Lightweight)
I am beyond capable of concluding. Fin.