Log in

Good Mourning [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ website | Give me blood! ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

conversation with "The First" [Aug. 28th, 2008|05:37 am]
more of a monologue, really.

Well, I was talking to a coworker, and I realized that finally I can say, in honesty, that I am over her. I can say this because I'm not basing my decisions on having known her anymore. Obviously, every little thing we have done, experienced, chosen, lived--it all forms who we are now. But I don't think about her when I live for myself anymore.

Ironically enough, it got me thinking about her. Well, he said something that reminded me, the only way I can relate to some other people.

In any case, in honesty, I had to think deeply on why there was some lingering resentment. And I thought about her, and I thought about the good times, and I thought about why it didn't work, and some other things. And I came to a monologue that sounded similar to this.

I do wish you well, wish you a caring Pisces. It was nice to walk with you for a time, but I arrived at one of your trademark crossroads, at the bubbling T. Ironically enough. Damned if I was controlled by you, and damned if I wasn't. I did everything I could do to win back your heart, but you had already come to resent, and to loathe me so. And now I don't love you anymore. I want someone better.

And that's the point, really. Dare I to want someone, someone to make me want to be better.

Well, that's what Rese said, at least. Nevermind. I should've closed this journal long ago.
linkpost comment

housecleaning [Jun. 4th, 2008|10:34 am]
backdates across October, '01 (and one in July). as promised. some of them unlabeled at the time of writing, and so they're just stuck there with the rest.

I'm not done yet, but I'm tired, and it feels unburdening to at least get those done. lots of fuel for the fire, later. Then maybe I'll trail salt along the ground.
linkpost comment

overdue, from notes set aside [Jan. 31st, 2007|01:49 am]
[Current Location |my apt.]
[mood |disappointeddisappointed]
[music |"He Is Here" --Claire Voyant]

I gazed at Angela, and I just felt icky. I wanted to be the guy again who could have a crush on her, defy the fantasy, emotional consequences considered. Now I felt I just knew too much.

There's a note on my counter. Stop blaming the devil for your own downfall. We both fell from grace. Take responsibility for your own actions. From the moment of their birth, the intents of men are evil. Jesus' conversation with the devil sounds like a quiet discussion between brothers.

I spied a worker in the hospital. radiology. surgery, maybe. Actually, I wondered if she were a surgeon. I couldn't get a clear look at her, but she looked like Kyleigh. My dreams returned, and they disproved my fears.

And then sick logic whirled. If I can crush for another, but for Angela no more, then what kind of a fickle noncommitting person am I?
linkpost comment

re: the first [Nov. 16th, 2006|11:36 pm]
I severed all contact, and I prefer it that way. She died to me. simple. And baby, I'm a walking dead.

I figured it out in my throes of sleep-deprived insanity this morning. We were together three years, and 'tis the season to mark our three-year break-up anniversary. I smiled when I realized that, finally, I do not have to live for her anymore, that I am free, that again, finally, I can say with confidence that I am my own person. no more competition. I honestly and legitimately hope that she is happy.

No, I still have nothing to say to her. I understand now that I don't know her anymore. I understand now that I didn't really know her that well to begin with.

"It starts. You think you know a guy!" --Timon

"I thought I knew you well. Oh well." --No Doubt
link3 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2005|03:05 pm]
[mood |coldcold]
[music |"Teardrop"]

I don't know where this is supposed to be, but I found this note in my wallet, and I am going to burn it. the note, not the wallet. I will consider backdating, but I most likely will not follow through.


Dearest Zane,

I am going to miss you terribly. You are my favorite person in the world. I've never loved anyone like this or felt so completely loved in return. Know that I will be thinking of you. You are so loving, gentle, intelligent, fascinating, captivating, so perfect that I can hardly believe you're real & you want to be with me. You complete me. I will be yours forever.


She folded it and wrote my first name on the back.
linkpost comment

ERRbody in the club gettin' tipsy... [Jan. 8th, 2005|01:46 am]
[mood |tipsy]

ready for sleep. might just get eight hours, which is good. will feel tired from waking earlier than usual, but sacrifices bring blessings.

will be a day for caffeine, which is also a blessing. heightened metabolism... lost calories... "My hunger is waging war on my fat cells!"

fulfilling day in the pursuit of evil... If one understands evil, one might just understand God. so is the theory. no. I don't think I am evil. (It's so easy when you're evil.)

Please don't rain on my parade.

I have questions, which I guess is the point of my evil book. like selfish prayers for protection? or a dying rodent on the street. I shall elaborate later.

As for the dying rodent, my self inflection concludes with the single word "Suffering." Understand it in a Buddhist context. Then move on.

Somebody please correct me, for I know that I am inaccurate. My sensei teaches, to the best of my recollection, "The three noble truths are 1) Suffering exists, 2) Suffering is caused by ignorance, and 3) Ignorance can be alleviated by the eightfold path (which his son's girlfriend [or was it his daughter?] explains is Buddhism)."

Do unto others. that's what I think.

"And I am really...... drunk." --Jerry Maguire
link2 comments|post comment

Fear not, for I am well. [Jan. 3rd, 2005|10:05 am]
[mood |zombified]

got kidnapped by some vampyres. left my car in the parking deck. But I am home.

Homeless Tony prayed for me, and it only cost me five bucks.

and a prayer in return.

Michelle, I am sorry. Maybe now we are even? No, this is not revenge. There is no way that I could have foreseen this.

Only I did. I did foresee it. in my dreams. This is how I know that I followed the right path. I only hope that you find God in absence of my presence today.

Fear not. I am uninjured, untraumatized, unscathed.

Now I must Torpor.
link1 comment|post comment

I love alliteration. [Dec. 20th, 2004|05:25 am]
[mood |goofy]

He smiles slightly and softly sighs with her.

I love you today, and I am breathless for a moment.
linkpost comment

intercultural inconsideration [Dec. 14th, 2004|06:45 pm]
[mood |agitated]
[music |some new age tribal something my dad put on]

There is something horribly wrong with some speakers of the Mexican language.

I was trying to study in ABC, and three men--two of which were caucasion--in business suits entered. If I was not previously the only customer in the establishment, the other was distant and quiet. The new three chose the table, among all others on the empty floor, closest to me to sit and proceeded to discuss their affairs, in Spanish, loudly.

My Spanish teacher in high school tried to teach us that hispanics have a different perception of "personal space" because they have a much "warmer" culture. On the contrary, I have found that, given my observation of many of them, they have a much more "inconsiderate" culture. On more than one occasion has a hispanic treated me not as if I were in his/her way, but as if I were not there at all. (i.e. I am currently reading the nutritional information on a package in Wal-Mart, and a person steps three inches in front of my face to grab another.)

I do understand that this is a free country. I understand that there is no official, national language. But when people utilize a language that nobody else understands as an alternative to lowering their voices, then I feel that that is infringing upon the rights of others--rights to life, liberty, and some fuckin' peace and quiet. At the very least, it is rude, obnoxious, and inconsiderate.

That is all.
linkpost comment

In other news... [Dec. 8th, 2004|11:51 pm]
[mood |paranoid scizophrenic]

What's the best way to ask someone, "Did I do anything to piss you off?"

A few months ago Logan assured me, "Zane, I think it's safe to say that nobody in Nashville is pissed at you."

I just need to be reminded every once in a while.

Isn't that called paranoid schizophrenia in most parts of the world?
link4 comments|post comment

[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]